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Feb. 22nd, 2005 | 08:54 pm

just cause... well... might as well...

I typed it all out in an IM and might as well put it in my journal...

My relationship with Ivette.... the re-cap...

ok... Ivette and I met through eHarmony.. 9? months ago... things were great.. she came up once a month.. i went down there a bunch of times... we were having a good relationship...
DLough1313 (8:28:58 PM): things changed a LOT after the whole situation with my dad... mainly cause I changed.. kinda.. I dunno.. internalized a LOT...
owdevil21 (8:29:27 PM): makes sense
DLough1313 (8:30:11 PM): well.. we continued.. we were happy.. lots of time on the phone... things were still going ok
DLough1313 (8:31:02 PM): back in October she cheated on me.. she kinda played it off as no big deal cause it was "just a kiss".. but.. in my book that is bad enough...
so.. that caused problems...
DLough1313 (8:32:12 PM): it was around then that I realized that no matter what I did.. she would appreciate it for a short time but then forget whatever it was I did and feel "neglected" and like I never did anything for her... Personally.. I think that forgiving someone who cheated is doing a lot.. and saying a lot...
DLough1313 (8:32:50 PM): so we went on and we started getting on eachother nerves.. mostly cause of getting tired of being over the phone and everything...
DLough1313 (8:34:22 PM): well.. she kept pushing me away and when December came around and it was a couple weeks before she was to move up here... She was getting pretty bad and I was feeling pushed away....
so.. a week before she was supposed to move up here I told her that I didn' think it was a good idea cause I am losing a lot of what I felt for her cause of how she was treating me and how we were with eachother in those recent times
owdevil21 (8:35:07 PM): thats mature
DLough1313 (8:35:15 PM): she cried and apolgized and told me that she felt that things would get better when she was here and the stress of all the moving and everything was over and we were with eachother all the time...
DLough1313 (8:35:52 PM): so.. I gave in.. she moved up.. 3 days later she went to Africa for christmas and then came back the 1st of January...
DLough1313 (8:36:55 PM): almost immediatelly after she got back.. the problems started... as much as I loved her.. it wasn't enough... she wanted more time.. or I wasn't spending enough time (nevermind the fact that we were together ever evening/night and morning before I went and worked)....
DLough1313 (8:37:35 PM): she was feeling lonely and I didn't do what she felt I should have done to make her happy.. (again.. nevermind the fact that we went out all the time and I spent a LOT of money that she knew I didn't have on her to try and cheer her up and stuff)...
DLough1313 (8:38:35 PM): basically... I would do something... she would feel neglected a day later... I felt like I couldn't win...
DLough1313 (8:40:06 PM): then I started a new job which had me working basically tuesday through friday but 2 of the days would be later nights...
DLough1313 (8:40:37 PM): well.. I guess the main problem was the fact that she was here at home alone all day everyday trying to find a job and not getting anywhere right away... she is kinda impatient...
owdevil21 (8:41:04 PM): so you ended it--and she moved back to wherever
DLough1313 (8:41:12 PM): no it gets worse
DLough1313 (8:41:50 PM): when I was with her and she was in VA and stuff.. I didn't see the little things... I didn't see how much anger she had built up in her from her past and from issues that she obviously never dealt with....
DLough1313 (8:42:23 PM): if she didn't get her way she would act like a child....
and she made things physical and that scared the shit out of me....
DLough1313 (8:43:31 PM): what ended it was one night she wanted to talk.. it was midnight... I had to be up at 5am and I told her I couldn't tonight (cause her wanting to talk meant a couple hours..)... she told me I can get in bed but she was going to be sure that I did not sleep.. and she meant that...
DLough1313 (8:44:05 PM): so... I went and started packing a bag.. she asked what I was doing and I told her that if I can't sleep in my own house... I'll go to my parents or get a hotel or whatever... I needed sleep...
so she grabbed the bag from me and I grabbed it back....
she responded by coming at me.. hit me.. grabbed me and wouldn't get off my back... so... I pushed her onto the bed and started walking out the house....
when I got downstairs.. AGAIN.. she jumped on my back.. this time further up... grabbing my head and stuff... so.. I bent over and she flipped over my shoulders....
she threw my bag and the box that had everything I needed for work at me... I went to pick it up and while doing it mumbled calling her a bitch or something....
she came at me.. punching.. kicking... everything....
so.. I pushed her off me and went to go to my car... she got in the car.. would NOT let me leave...
so I went back inside... and I told her that if I had to call the police then it is over...
she said she didn't care what I did she was not letting me leave... so.. I called the police...
they came.. I explained what happened... they told her that when a guy is trying to leave.. you should let them leave...
and I left....
we talked the next day... I told her I didn't hate her... and we decided it was best we went our seperate ways... cause we are both very stubborn...
all I know is that I was scared that night when I had to call the police... I have never been in that situation before and my instinct is to fight back and I couldn't.... it really really scared me....
anyways.. she moved back to VA...
this was back at the begining of February.... I thought about it everyday.. was happy things were over.. till just recently it came to me that the reason was because we went too fast too soon and I wanted to try again... so I sent her this e-mail... and waited on her response....:

Hey sweetie,
I am glad that I called you today and I am glad that
we talked... After talking to you there are a lot of
things that ran through my mind and a lot of things
that I felt that I wanted to try and put down into
words and let you see/respond to them....
First off... I have to tell you that i miss you....
You know how they say that you don't know what you
have until you don't have it anymore? Well... just
like "love isn't enough" it holds true... Very true...
I miss your presence.. I miss you being here when I
come home... I miss you being with me when I go
places.. I miss waiting for you to get ready before we
go out.. I miss your head on my lap or on my leg when
we watch TV... I miss having you in my life and I miss
having you by my side.... As hard as things were and
as bad as things got.. one thing was always constant
that I took for granted... and that is the fact that
you were always there...

I love you... I know that I may have said some hurtful
things and.. heck.. we both said some hurtful
things... but... You can't hide from love when it is
already inside of you... I thought that going out on a
date or even trying to find someone else to date would
let me mask that feeling or make it go away quicker..
but it doesn't... it just makes it stronger... all
that it does is shows me what I love and shows me how
perfect the woman that I love really is... No one can
compare... I guess thats why when I was out on that
date I called her your name a couple times... cause in
my head.. I was trying to picture you sitting across
from me and I guess on some subconscious level I was
talking to you... at least that is what my brain
wanted... and therefore.. your name would come out of
my mouth...

As I look back on our relationship and see all of the
ups and downs... there was a constant line that was
hidden until now... my feelings and love towards you
kept growing.. no matter how much I tried to deny it
to myself or how much I tried to hide that from
myself... I took the easy way out... It was easier to
ignore it than it was to face it....
I guess in some ways, like you had said.. I AM like my
mom... My mom tends to focus on the negatives... and
that is what I did for the last 5 or 6 months... I
would focus in my head on everything that was wrong
and take for granted all of the good that was going on
in our relationship... Heck... I took the one sign and
the one ultimate sacrifice that you had done in our
relationship and buried it among the negatives... your
moving up here did not strike me as anything out of
the ordinary... your struggling to find work and
struggling to find friends and everything never even
affected me... I was too busy focusing on everything
else that was bad instead of really looking into you
and really seeing what you were feeling....

I know... I am an idiot and I will always tell myself

These past couple of weeks I have been trying my
hardest to grasp exactly what really happened... In a
way... I feel that we gave up... (or I should say "I"
gave up...)... I went back on a promise that I had
made to you... And I didn't fufill my end of the
I should have never let you move back to VA... I
should have talked to you more that week after
everything happened... We should have been able to
come up with the compromise that (now) I see would
have probably been best for us... I should have helped
you to find a place to live here in Syracuse and I
should have dedicated myself to listening more to you
and we should have gone into counselling in order to
fix the problems that we have on a personal level....

In some ways I still wish that it was possible... I
wish that we could do away with the dating.. do away
with the looking.. do away with the feeling bad and
know that we have eachother.. over the miles... while
we both focus on ourselves... Wether it takes a month
or a year... focus on what we know was the problems in
our relationship... We know we have 1 very large piece
of the pie... We know we have the love for
eachother... But it is the other piece of the pie that
we have to work on.. and we need to work on that piece
seperatelly... We need to be less stubborn and we need
to listen to eachother more... We need to not do
things just to get at the other person (cause I know
you admitted to doing that... I didn't admit to doing
that at times but... I am now...), We need to teach
ourselves to listen more... and most of all.. we need
to teach ourselves to be appreciative for the little
things and not to focus on what didn't happen...

honestly? I think that, with time, we can go back to
where we were (with some changes...)... So... Here is
what I propose... I want to start over with you
(kinda)... I want us to remember the bad, but not
focus on it...
Now.. how do we do this.. you just moved...
We go back to basics... We both know that we have very
important things that we have to work on and these
things can not be changed overnight... We can help
eachother in this process.. but we can not DO it for
eachotehr as it won't work that way....
When we are ready... be it 3 months, 7 months, a
year.. however long it takes.. You find a job up here
first... as in take a week of vacation or something
and schedule interviews for that time... have the job
lined up.... We know that moving can be a fast
thing... so the move is a small thing... We then get
you an apartment up here... It can be small.. I think
you can agree that you really don't need a huge
space... but that will allow us to ease into the whole
being together 24/7 thing... it will also allow us to
go to counselling together to see if what we had
worked on really worked or not... then.. with time...
we carry on with the plan that we had originally
scheduled... Course... in my eyes... I DID make a
promise to you and that promise still stands.. if you
want it to... The actual ring would be the
culmination of all of this... It would signify more
than just the actual engagement... but it would
signify that we overcame the obsticals in our way and
we are finally REALLY ready to be with eachother for
the rest of our lives...

I think that if you look back on the last couple of
months you will be able to see the little things where
we went wrong in planning and in excution... We took a
step a little too fast (kinda like how I did going
down my front stairs) and we stumbled and got hurt for
it... But.. it does not have to be a permanent
injury... we can nurse it back into health and we can
be healthy again....

I would like to... would you?

I love you Ivette... and when I said unconditionally I
meant it... I can't walk away without a true try... I
know I said that we tried as hard as we could and that
we fought for this relationship... but.. to be
honest.. they were just words... They were not from my
heart... I was trying to convience myself that was how
it was...

I really hope that you will give this all some
thought... I am willing to work for what we planned if
you are...


well.. her response was a NO... and I then found out that she has been dating someone for about 2 weeks (we broke up 3 weeks ago)... and.. yeah.. kinda makes me feel about an inch tall... I feel like an idiot for letting this all happen....

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