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Dec. 11th, 2004 | 01:12 am
mood: depresseddepressed

So.... Today she decided to tell me that she wants to move to Africa. Mainly because I am not the man that she had wanted and because of that... 6 days before she is supposed to move... She has decided that she does not want to move here anymore..... Things have not been great for some time... She flat out told me that she does not want to be with me anymore and then took it back...
But... the damaging words had been said.. so now that leaves me to where I am now... Which is.... I don't know...
I really don't know if I want/can handle the kind of relationship that we have had.... So many ups and downs... we are fine one minute then the next I do so much as say something with the "wrong tone of voice" and she is all over me and we fight for a day and a half....
I know I can find someone out there that I can get along with much better..... But I don't know if I want to do that either... I mean... It just feels like I would be walking backwards....

OKOK... backtrack.... Ever since June (see june's entries).... When my father was caught fucking some whore on MY couch in MY house... I have been depressed... I went from having a seemingly loving and happy family and life to having a split family... Then to finding out that it had been going on for THREE years and feeling like the last 3 years had been all full of lies....

Yeah.. I went to counselling... but honestly? It hasn't done much good... I go in.. i talk to the guy.. he goes on about this and that and.. well.. It dosen't help anything... It's fine when I am there, but then as soon as I walk out of there it's back to life... It's back to fighting with Ivette... or tip-toeing around so that I don't create a fight with her... or wondering what is going on with us.. or wondering what is going on with my family... Wondering if my dad and mom are really working on things or if they are simply putting a band aid on a deep wound....

So.. Counselling didn't work...

So.. since Ivette cheated on me and.. for whatever reason... I forgave her and took her back when... TRUST ME... I would ALWAYS had given exactly the opposite advice to ANY of my friends... and I know that the majority of the people reading this would know that I would tell you to get him/her out of your life for doing whatever they did with another man/woman because it is not riht and if it happens once.. it will happen again... no matter how sorry they say they are or how solid you think your relationship is..

So... since I took her back, things have been a little better.. and I have made compromises with her about things that I do not like... and she has accepted those compromises... However, she really, in my eyes, has not changed a whole lot...
She still gets angry over the stupidest little things... She still expects (at times) to be treated like a child and babied because of little things...
We don't see eye to eye... We are not at the same level of maturity... I'm able to decide what I want for my life and decide how important things in my life are.. I'm able to constantly change my feelings, convictions, sometimes morals, etc. according tot eh situation at hand and the person I am dealing with...
She isn't... she is very religious... fine.. I have no problem with that.. in fact, if anything it is a good thing for me... but, she is religious to the point where she tends to try and shove some of it down my throat and expects me to do things that she feels is against her religion when, personally, I know that they are not...
The one example I can think of off the top of my head is gambling.... She does not like it (so she said), because "Christians are not supposed to gamble"... supposedly somewher ein the bible God said that people should not gamble...
Well... see... I find it hard to believe seeing that I have sat at the table with ministers and priests and hell.. even churches have casino nights!
why would they do that if it was against the bible???

Guess adultry wasn't in that bible... or at least not as clearly defined??? I dunno....

See... Am I one of the only few people who understand that the bible can be interpreted in many different ways and that you can find a reference in that book for just about any deed/occasion in favor AND against it??

but.. that is a moot point... we compromised and she agreed to let me gamble....
See.. I don't care about getting up on Sundays and going to church and stuff.. thats not a big deal and it's not like it's going to HARM me by doing it... But forcing down my throat that in order to be a "good christian" I have to read religious and spiritual books?
See... I dunno... I was always raised that each person has within themselves the power to contact and communicate with God...
Each person can dictate what is and isn't right and will have to repent for their sins if, in fact, they sin...
I don't feel it is right for someone to look at you or what you do and tell you that you are a good or a bad christian... It is not up to them to judge that and it certainly isn't a sign of THEM being a good christian...
I also don't think that it is right or necessary for someone else to tell another what they have to do to BE a good christian... The fact that person A does this this and this does not mean that person B has to do the same things in order to believe in the same faith...
I never brought all of this up with her... but.. it's been an issue since day 1 and I guess I always hoped that it would just go away...
It hasn't...

So anyways... where was I...
She was going to move up here on Thursday.. but then she took that back.. and now she wants to move up here again...
But she does not understand that I have given up... I have told her that I have gien up...
Her moving up here is not going to change the fact that I have given up... she told me that I was not the man that she wants to be with and that was the equivelent of telling me that she no longer loves me...
Yes, I love her... But, I'm not fighting to keep her anymore and I am not going to stop her if she goes... I can't... It always turns aroud to hurt me in the end and I just can't stand to be hurt like that again...

So do I let her move up here? She wants to move in here... I told her that she can move in here and live here until she gets a job, gets on her feet and finds another apartment... I have a spare bedroom and have no problem with renting it out to her...
But I think she is coming up with ideas that it will change things and we can go back to being perfectly happy...
I really don't think that woul dbe possible without her letting go of some of her convictions and allowing herself to live her life the way that SHE wants to and not the way she feels it is best in someone elses eyes...
Yeah.. our parents raised us.. but.. dosen't mean we have to do what they always say we should...


I dunno... I really dunno what to do... she says she is moving up on Thursday... I told her that I would help her move.. and I will.. because I don't go back on my word when I give it to a person...

but... I just don't think that she understands/believes me when I say that I have given up.... and I don't know if I will be able to turn my feelings around and feel the same way anymore... after the things that she has said and the things that she has done...

I can't count the number of times that she has decided to break up and run away instead of facing problems with us head on... and everytime it has left a permenant scar on my heart...

Do I want more scars? Would it happen again? She says I am not the man that she wants... physically, spiritually, and mentally (I am not there for her the way that I should be... yet... I have never had a complaint from ANY of my friends on how I am there for them and it is no different)...
Yeah.. I admit that I have been a jerk at times... and that everything isn't all her fault... and please realize that there HAVE been good times mixed in with these bad... but... I'm focusing on the problems at hand... well.. some of them... and that is what I am writing about... so... if giving advice.. please keep that in mind...

So.... at this point... I really don't know what to do or what is going to happen.... all that I know is that if things continue the way that they have been... I'm in for an unhappy life :-(

advice?

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Comments {12}

Erica

(no subject)

from: marrasyn
date: Dec. 11th, 2004 05:18 am (UTC)
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I hope everything works out for you. You are such a nice guy!

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