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"Autopsy Q & A"

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Mar. 20th, 2004 | 11:21 pm

"Autopsy Q & A"

Your Doctor has scheduled you for an autopsy
on ___________ at _______ AM/PM.

St. Amgems Hospital wants you to be prepared for
what should be an eventful time. This guide should
answer the most common questions in regard to
your procedure. Please call your doctor's office if
you have any further questions. Please remember,
autopsies are performed on an "as needed"
procedure. If you, or a qualified Medical Examiner
chooses to cancel your autopsy, the Pathology
department requires 24 hours notice.

Q: What is an autopsy?

As advanced as medical science is, sometimes we
need more thorough procedures to find out why your
living status has been impaired. An autopsy can
include CAT scans, X-rays, and surgical evaluation.

Q: Will it involve Surgery?

Yes. At times when there is a lack of obvious
traumatic impact, surgery is needed. Your doctor

may wish to examine your vital organs. This involves
removal of the organs for the purpose of study. The
contents of your stomach will also be examined, so
we urge you not to take anything by mouth for 12
(twelve) hours before cessation of your existence or
the procedure.

Q: Will it hurt?

We certainly hope not. If at any time you're feeling
uncomfortable, please feel free to alert the pathologist.

Q: What should I bring?

We recommend a very large, empty suitcase. Ideally,
your family should sign a "permission for disposal"
form. If this has been done, you'll be provided with
an effects bag and all unwanted matter will be
disposed of in a device affectionately known as
"Chuckie." It can also be helpful for you to bring
anything that might have contributed to your current
condition. This can include any drugs containers
from medications you might have ingested.

Q: When can I return to work?

Not for a while. We suggest you worry about this
after your autopsy.

Q: Will I have a scar?

We take vanity in consideration. You may have
a large "Y" shaped incision on your torso. There
may also be some scalp incisions that can be
covered by a competent professional.

Q: Will you laugh at my weenie?

Yes. Pathology is a profession fraught with stress
and alcoholism. Your doctor may already have
placed you in the Weenie Relocation Program
(WRP) which means your weenie might end up in
any number of body cavities, at the whim of your
doctor. Should you not want us to laugh at your
weenie, we suggest you dispose of it beforehand.

We at St. Amgems want your autopsy to be a
positive experience and promise to treat your
earthly remains with dignity and respect (aside
from the weenie dealie). Please refer to our
brochures "Cadaver's Bill of rights" and "So You're
Dead. What Next?" for more information.

Remember, here at St. Amgems, our day starts
when yours ends.

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Comments {3}


"So You're Dead, what's next?"

from: litchick
date: Mar. 21st, 2004 07:28 am (UTC)

Ah, thanks for the laugh Don, this was good.

For future projects, I'd like to see what those pamphlets might say... heh.

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sparrow with a machine gun

(no subject)

from: maereth
date: Mar. 21st, 2004 11:02 am (UTC)

that. is. fantastic.

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(no subject)

from: shoshiki
date: Mar. 21st, 2004 12:32 pm (UTC)


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